Wednesday, March 6, 2013

The Jump

Every day at some point I get a pang of regret. Regret that a day has been wasted, that I am one day closer to the void, and that I still haven't made it. For the past four years I have been working on my programming and modelling, but not fast enough. Not hard enough. I trained myself out of mental stagnation and into being a productive powerhouse, but I still haven't progressed enough.

This pang hits me every day and pushes me to contemplate the jump.

At some point I am going to be a game developer. This is going to happen. The question that haunts me is when, and why not now? I have no doubt that I have the skills required to make a game right now, or become a very strong member of a small development team - right now. But the fear of the unknown prevents me from taking the leap of faith out of my comfortable - albeit absolutely unfulfilling - well paying job and into the realm of unsure success rates and sketchy income security.

I guess the fact that these thoughts exist in my head means that I don't want it enough. I yearn to quit my job and use my savings to support myself until I can get a project off the ground but... there's no but. I just pine every day, and I'm scared and I make no progress. What do you do when you run out of money? How do you know when it's time to panic? What if you strike out and need to return to the workforce, and suddenly can't get a job? If I wanted it as hard as I swear I do, I wouldn't worry about these questions so much, I would just jump.

I made a choice a few years ago to take the job I have now, which is soul-destryoingly unsatisfying but extremely well paying. The choice was made so I could duke out the hard yards for a few years until I paid off a property, because once you have a property paid off you hardly need to work. By working hard in my young days I could ensure I have the rest of my life to reap the rewards. If I stick to this plan I can have my apartment payed off in three years.

But every day I get this pang of regret. Regret that I am pushing my youth to the side, that I am pooling resources that I won't be able to use anyway, that I am missing out on some of the greatest opportunities in my life by focusing on the wrong goals.

So I have to, at some point, make the jump.

I have to throw everything to the wind and create the life that I have been working so hard for. I have to truly come to terms with the fact that resources are no substitute for experiences. I have to face the void. It's hunting me hard and fast. I need to be the one hunting it.

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